Cake or Death?
I think almost any man could be improved with mascara, a bit of eyeshadow and a touch of blush.
And this is something Eddie Izzard, the funniest man -- er, transvestite -- er, man -- in the world understands.
If you're lucky enough to be in Los Angeles tonight at 10:30 pm,
YOU COULD ACTUALLY SEE EDDIE IN PERSON!
The Coronet Theatre
366 N. La Cienega Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90048
TO BOOK CALL: 310.657.7377
Official site: eddieizzard.com
Truly, this man makes me howl. I've only seen the "Cake or Death" performance (there's also "Sexie," "Dress to Kill" and more). Fly to LA or, if not, rent a DVD. He is SO funny.
Here's some help from Eddie on the transvestite thing:
"‘Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is. So it’s “running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you're up there.” That's where it is!"
But one of Eddie's funniest trips is on Church of England Fundamentals: "So yeah, and the Romans went Christian and then we had Christianity for about 1500 years. You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for...
Then Henry VIII came along. Henry VIII, a big, hairy king, and he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church: "Mr. Pope! I'm going to marry my first wife, and then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say but stick with me, my story gets better. I'm going to marry my second wife and then I'm going to kill her, cut her head off! Ah, not expecting that, are ya? Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her into a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a Rotissimat. Seventh wife, made out of jam. Eighth wife…” ( makes sound similar to putting babies on spikes )
"And the Pope's going, (Italian accent ) "You crazy bugger! You can't do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can't marry all these people! It's illegal! You can't do all this! I am the Pope, I am the head of the Church, I have to keep up… ciao! I have to keep up standards. What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?"
"So Henry VIII, who was Sean Connery for this film, said: ( imitating Sean Connery ) "Well then, I will set up a new religion in this country. I will set up the Psychotic Bastard religion."
"And an advisor said, "Why not call it Church of England, Sire?"
"Church of England, actually. Much better... Even though I’m Scottish myself."
"So they did! That's the birth of Church of England, the birth of the Anglican Church! Disgusting, eh? That's no basis to start a religion on! Nothing to do with the Protestant church, I mean, Henry just shagged and killed a lot of women and then stole all the money off the monasteries. You know, rape and pillage, that is!
"Nowadays, Church of England is much more, "Hello, how are you?" Much more a hobby-type ... "Hello!" A lot of people in Church of England have no muscles in their arms. "Hello, yes... ( chuckles ) Yes, that's what I thought. ( chuckles ) Do come in, you're the only one today! Now the sermon today is taken from a magazine that I found in a hedge. New lipstick colors this season are in the frosted pink area and nail colors to match..."
"The Anglican faith ... You'll never go:
"Vicar, I have done many bad things."
"Well, so have I."
"What shall I do?"
"Well, drink five Bloody Marys and you won't remember."
"Because the Anglican faith had a lack of principles for a long time. You can't get really headstrong about it. You can't say, you know, like the Islamic jihads that we hear about. We get scared about those Islamic jihads. I think we do assume that everyone who is into the Islamic religion is having a jihad every other bloody day. There's a lot of very relaxed Islamic people, and we got to understand - remember, this is very important - and we do assume that jihads are just like, you know, every day three jihads are issued by every individual. I just don't think that's happening.
"But you can't do that in Church of England, you can't say, "You must have tea and cake with the Vicar, or you die!" You can't have extreme points of view, you know.
The Spanish Inquisition wouldn't have worked with Church of England. "Talk! Will you talk!"
"But it hurts!"
"Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine..."
.... and Eddie on Cake or Death: "‘Cause that's what it would be. "Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death!" ‘Cause, "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.
"Cake or death?"
"Eh, cake please."
"Very well! Give him cake!"
"Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice."
"You! Cake or death?"
“Uh, cake for me, too, please."
"Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?"
"Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..."
"You said death first, uh-uh, death first!"
"Well, I meant cake!"
"Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!"
"Cake or death?"
"Uh, cake please."
"Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush. So what do you want?"
"Well, so my choice is 'or death’? I’ll have the chicken then, please."
“Tastes of human, sir. Would you like a white wine? There you go, thank you very much.”
“Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?"
Today's fragrance: Cabaret by Gres. The perfect transvestite scent with its sparkling roses.