my occasional musings on life, love, art, perfume ... what else is there?

5.20.2007

Speaking Ill of the Dead

Last night I learned news that I have been waiting 48 years to hear.

My stepfather is dead.

I wonder if anyone else, or everyone, can pinpoint singular negative influences in their lives. An individual against whom one struggled for existence -- existence of one's self, one's rights and boundaries, one's ability to move free.

I have spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of tear-filled hours in a therapist's office working to overcome the damage this man did. Some of it conscious, most as a byproduct of his narcissistic salting of the earth he walked on.

I had not seen him for fourteen years when I heard the news last night. And still it took an inch of bourbon to deal with.

I remember as a sixteen year old, thinking that hating the man was more destructive to me than it ever could be to him. I tried not to, for my own sake. But, I am sorry and shamed to say, I did hate him.

Let's see if death absolves me. I am certain it will not absolve him.

Portrait of a Young Woman, Lorenzo di Credi 1459-1537

12 Comments:

Blogger NowSmellThis said...

Thinking of you, M.

1:13 PM

 
Blogger Doug said...

Mireille, I hope you are well or will be well. There's no tragedy in dirt mixing with dirt again.

But if you'll help me keep the characters straight, you have someone I think of as a stepfather who has been kind to you. I'm guessing a different one.

No coincidence here- my verifier is bsalm, no doubt Blogger knows you can use a psalm and a balsam balm.

2:21 PM

 
Blogger mireille said...

R, thank you for your thoughts. ♥

D, I think of Jim as a paternal influence on me -- that is probably who you're thinking of. And thank you for the psalm AND balm.

XOXO

3:08 PM

 
Blogger Doug said...

No, thinking back, I think your grandmother's final husband was close to you, no?

This time my verifier is tstsp. Any hidden meaning has to do with condiments. Maybe a natural mellowing agent?

10:55 PM

 
Blogger Justine said...

I'm not sure how many years I have left to wait.
Mine nearly died from a spider bite once. My family went to visit him in hospital to be nice. I went to see him in pain.

But like you say, you can't hold onto it, it only ends up burning you.

12:29 AM

 
Blogger mireille said...

D, You're right. My grandpa.

J, I'm sorry.

xoxo

6:57 AM

 
Blogger Trina said...

(((M))) I'm sending you wishes of strength and healing.

7:55 AM

 
Blogger Bela said...

I'm sorry you were hurt so badly. Hope his death puts an end to it all. xoxoxo

10:11 AM

 
Blogger WinterWheat said...

Oh, M, I'm so sorry. I have 1000 things to say but none of them really work by themselves, so I'll stop before spewing out all of them. Just thinking of you...

11:55 AM

 
Blogger ariel said...

I am sorry for what you've been put through. are you going to go to his funeral?

I read "Portrait of a Young Woman, Lorenzo di Credi" but cannot see any pictures, so I googled. that is not a young woman, that is an angel of death. maybe the one took your stepfather away. I think she is flipping the bird...

5:22 AM

 
Blogger mireille said...

ariel, sorry -- I had taken the photo away but not the credit. Hm. flipping the bird. maybe that was my attraction to the painting. xoxo

7:09 AM

 
Blogger Tom & Icy said...

The thing about hating someone which harms ourselves is the frustration of not being able to do anything about it or stop them from harming others as well as ourselves. There is nothing wrong with hating people like Hitler and killers and even people we know who cause misery to others in everyday life. What hurts us so bad is that we cannot turn the tables on them. Many people need to be stopped and we are the instruments of God just as police investigators are instruments of the law. It's the frustration that we can't do likewise to them or stop them that burns our hands and not the actual hate. There's a reason for hate: it's the motivation to bring about justice for those who are harmed and denied their rights by self-absorbed tyrants.

12:20 AM

 

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