my occasional musings on life, love, art, perfume ... what else is there?


Resolution: Transparency

In the fever of the holidays, and the drained-dry end of last term in school, I haven't been really writing for the blog. There's writing and there's writing. Hopefully, here is some writing.

I'm thinking about fear, its ugly stepsister shame, and their role in motivation.

I'm beginning another -- my last -- quarter of school, which should result in a new career. And I'm understandably anxious over the big chunk of credits I'm biting off in order to get done faster.

But "anxious" really is a camouflage word for fear.

I won't fail in the coursework. Unless something really untoward happens, I will do well. Probably very well. But at what emotional cost? To me and the ones close to me?

I had built into me a high threshold for accomplishment. And in the years of my midlife crisis, that period from my mid-forties until now -- I am fifty-four -- I systematically, if subconsciously, dismantled a great deal of that structure that held me together.

A marriage, a career, societal expectations surrounding money, how you get it, how much of it you need, how you use what you get -- and societal expectations surrounding who I am to other people, how I value them, ways I behave toward them, what I owe to those I love.

I've posted before about being "in the dark room," that period I now believe I existed in for most of my childhood, adolescence and adulthood. A time in which one is so self-absorbed, but so unaware of the way one is actually perceived, a deep lack of understanding of one's actual behavior and its true repercussions.

The plus of entering the light after being in the dark is, obviously, you see a lot more. The downside is that a lot of protective ignorance is stripped away. You have to face more truth about who and what you are or are not, and deal.

This scares me to death sometimes. The rawness of truth. The bare quality of being authentic.

I am so fortunate to be with a partner who has achieved more authenticity in his life and in his self than anyone I have ever known. He is transcendant -- although he will roll his eyes when he reads this.

I don't know exactly how he got there. He doesn't talk a great deal about it, but he does guide me toward means of accomplishing more transparency in my own life. Meditation is a big part of that and although I struggle with it, I am doing better at going inward and finding a peaceful, quiet place where I am no longer afraid.

Because I know now that it was fear all along that drove me to whatever had been accomplished in my prior life. Fear and a great deal of shame-driven energy that helped me mask who I was and what I really needed from everyone, including myself.
I'm not willing to use energy that way anymore. Of course I backslide into "what will they think" and "I need to do this to make sure they know what I'm worth ..." -- both illusory excuses for facing the truth about who you are and what you need to do. In terms of yourself, in terms of other people.

I resolve to stay out of the dark room and continue to face my fear -- defuse my shame -- in the light. To continue the work toward transparency.

And I wish all of you, my dear friends, a productive and loving New Year. In the light.


Blogger Kyahgirl said...

I've missed your writing M.
That was beautiful.

5:59 PM

Blogger still life said...

It's difficult isn't it, knowing how much transparency we need to show to others and what we need to keep hidden for ourselves.
Here's to us staying in the light!

7:12 PM

Blogger Tom & Icy said...

Sounds good. But it makes me wonder sometimes as I look back. Seems like there is 'real' or natural light and then there sometimes is artificial lighting that fools us. The truth can be so elusive and when we think we have found it, the bulb blows. The festivals of light are celebrations of artifitial lighting and often misleads us from the beauty of nature's true daylight. I guess I'm just getting old.

10:14 PM

Blogger Miz BoheMia said...

Beautiful Mireille! I can definitely relate... most of my life and hangups are controlled by fear... I am a yoga teacher and practice religiously... every morning at 6am... it helps give me the strength to breathe through it and take life day by day... a dire lesson in my life and like you, I am fortunate enough to have a man by my side who amazingly seems to have no baggage, no debilitating fear and like you said, a transcendant energy... this post really spoke to me... just breathe, keep those eyes wide open, hold on to your love's hand and all will be well...

10:22 PM

Anonymous sarasotagirl said...

So true, my dear, so true. Here's to a 2006 filled with light and hands to hold when it gets too scary.

♥ M

8:29 AM

Blogger Logophile said...

As a woman who blogs as a dog, some of what you are saying really resonates for me. I have a tendency toward, hmmmm, not secretiveness necessarily, but a disinclination toward openness. Yet, authenticity is vitally important to me I just am very reluctant to share in an atmosphere that doesn't feel excessively safe. I so admire your ability and willingness to share so much of who you are in this forum. Here is a song lyric your writing made me think of,
"Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight. Gotta kick at the darkness till bleeds daylight."
Here's to a kicking New Year!

12:45 PM

Blogger mireille said...

Logo, I love that quote. I found more of it:

When you're lovers in a dangerous time,
You're made to feel as if your love's a crime.
Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight.
Gotta kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight.

Bruce Cockburn, 'Lovers in a Dangerous Time' (also covered by Barenaked Ladies)

3:03 PM

Anonymous logo said...

I have the BNL version, love it!

7:05 AM


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