my occasional musings on life, love, art, perfume ... what else is there?

8.19.2005

No Matter Where I Go, There I Am

This morning I once again proved something I've been carrying around in my head for a couple of days: that no matter what surface finish I apply, there's still solid oak underneath.

I mean, I can't disguise my real nature. Not for long anyway. Even if I think I can.

One of my most rooted characteristics is leading with my chin. Which years ago an old boss told me I did and I was so oblivious to my own behavior, I had to ask him what it meant.

It means I am quick to be hurt if I think somebody is trying to get over on me, or ignore me or in some way insult me.

And I am prone to responding aggressively to perceived insult -- usually to the detriment of the relationship, especially if no such insult was intended.

Here's the surface finish I'm currently trying to apply, in hopes that enough of it will sink in that the oak will be adequately protected, if not intrinsically different:

I am trying to slow my reaction when I'm hurt. I am learning to suspend judgement and trying to remain neutral in my initial reaction to perceived slights. Trying to spread out the time between perception and reaction, to give myself time to check reality (whatever that is) and let events resolve without my usual bullnosed intervention.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in emotional kindergarten, learning things way after the other kids.

But better late than never. Some learn fast, some learn not slow. No matter where I am, there I go.

Today's fragrance: Stella by Stella McCartney. Rose, rose, rose, rose, amber, amber, amber, amber. Simple fragrance for a simple person.

9 Comments:

Blogger Bela said...

That's me! According to a quiz I've just done on the board, you know, the board, I'm a "total flirt". LOL!

It's very beautiful painting. You always find the best pix. :-)

7:23 AM

 
Blogger Kate said...

Beautiful new look for your site, I love it!!!! :-)

8:06 AM

 
Blogger Kyahgirl said...

Oh you girl. You said it beautifully!

Its funny though, in all my conversations with you I didn't really pick on your being think skinned or easily inflamed by perceived insults. Maybe because you don't result to spiteful comebacks or putdowns. At any rate, its a good discipline to develop, learning to take some time between thought and reaction, something I try to do but doubt I'll master in this lifetime!

And M, you ARE a beautiful, solid oak, through and through. I love that about you!

10:28 AM

 
Blogger Kate said...

Oh, I didn't see the post before I responded... I do the same thing, leading with my chin. I understand. I hope the thing that's bothering you is just a misunderstanding. Love, KM (((((M)))))

11:29 AM

 
Blogger Val said...

Years ago, as newlyweds, we received a fun email entitled "Rules that Wives Must Know"... one of them was something very close to "if something we do/say can be taken two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one." My hubby & I have laughed over that (and used it) many times. Your post reminded me of it all over again! =)

2:11 PM

 
Blogger Bela said...

You amended your post, M, but my initial comment still works: that's me too. I think I've given up trying to change. I just hope my nearest and dearest don't get too hurt by my childish ways.

6:01 PM

 
Blogger actonbell said...

That's me, too. To be human is to be filled with angst. But you're right--it takes a concerted effort to slow down and be in control, emotionally. I usually cause more pain to MYSELF than others with these thoughts. I hope.

11:18 AM

 
Blogger still life said...

No matter what surface finish I apply, there's still solid oak underneath...perfect...just perfect!

12:11 PM

 
Anonymous Lulu said...

All you hotheads! I so admire you all! I'm the opposite - I often don't notice when I'm being patronised or slighted, and even if I do, I can't think of anything to say till 5 hours later so I don't say anything. Which works quite well, 'cos if someone intends to upset me, they think they haven't managed it because I don't react. And if they didn't mean to be offensive, well, that's fine too.

But I like being around people who flare up, it's so much clearer. As long as that person listens when you say hey, you've taken it the wrong way...

After all, take away the oak and the veneer is a few slivers of wood shavings on the floor. Take away the veneer and you've still got a table.

4:36 AM

 

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