my occasional musings on life, love, art, perfume ... what else is there?

6.26.2005

What Would Edith Do? 2

This is the second installment of an irregularly scheduled feature in which I channel the spirit of Edith Head and provide answers to all your fashion, fragrance and lifestyle questions.

Now ... Let's Ask Edith!

Dear Edith,
A young woman blogger, with special appeal to the 25-34 demographic, I am currrently reveling in my fifteen minutes of fame. Known for my propensity to emphasize BY USING ALL CAPS and my liberal salting of posts with a thick layer of f*ck, fart, sh!t and damn (PARTICULAR EMPHASIS ON EXCREMENT OR LACK THEREOF), I am widely perceived as The Blogger To Mimic.

BUT EDITH! Far from being the angular chicster portrayed in the hundreds of digital photos featured on my site, I am a nebbishy domestic goddess WHO ACTUALLY ENJOYS BEING A MOTHER AND KEEPING A HOME. I feel so INAUTHENTIC, Edith. HOW CAN I SHARE WHO I REALLY AM?
Deuce-Faced in Nebraska

My dear Nebraskan Nebbish,
You need to let go and let ... uh, never mind. Just stop swearing, ease up on the capslock key and print a couple pix of your own bad self, your perfectly behaved toddler, your spotlessly clean SUV and your beautifully maintained home. Problem solved.

Edith my dear,
Could you help formulate a fragrance for my beloved metrocanine, Astro, that would make him smell all nice, but would not be too sensitive for his delicate nose?
Barbara from California

Dear BfromC,
So often we neglect the fragrance aspect of our dogs' grooming, except to say, "Jeez, you stink. You already need another bath, dammit." I am aware of the cuteness of your canine charmer and really think some sort of sweet white floral would suit him. Cacharel Anais Anais, that's it! Admittedly, the name is a bit rude. But fact is, that's what dogs are most interested in. Tell me if Astro approves.

Dear E.,
I like to get up early and get the newspaper in off the driveway before I have my coffee. Since I sleep in skimpy nightwear, my husband objects to my going out to grab the paper so lightly clad. Do I need to get dressed that early?
Tan Lucy Pez

Dear TLP,
I sense hubby is a little jealous of any glimpses those wicked neighbors might be catching. But, OTOH, doesn't he realize how lucky he is that his wife sleeps in such seductive garb? Of course, if he's exhausted enough from antics the night before, he'll be asleep and won't care what you're wearing to greet the paperboy, now will he? Heh.

Dear Ms. Head,
As a dog, I don't give a lot of credence to online advice columnists, but I am at my tail's end. I am, let's face it, a fiendishly handsome lab/shepherd mix who would really score big if I could only get Alpha and Beta to let me off the leash once in a while. I admit it, I've hurt my chances for a little autonomy by making a break for freedom the few times they've let me walk to the car on my own. But I tell ya, I'm desperate to get out there and meet some ladies. What can I do to regain the 'rents' trust?
Seeking A Way Out in Seattle

My boy,
You'll be lookin' for love in all the wrong places if they let you go leashless. Do you know what kind of diseases are out there? Better you should strengthen the platonic relationship with your dear Master and Mistress. I sense they're feeling neglected ... since I've noted you are not the type to demonstrate affection freely, if at all. There's more to life than sex. I've heard. A few adoring looks and swipes of the tongue can go a long way toward getting the "me-time" you're looking for. [disclaimer from Mireille: Bucky is neutered. This quest for adventure is all in his mind; we just try not to hurt his feelings by pointing out this fact of life.]

Today's Fragrance: Departing from her usual Youth Dew by Estee Lauder, Edith is wearing three JAR fragrances, layered -- because he sent them to her trying to get a free endorsement in her column. No way.

11 Comments:

Blogger Urban Chick said...

there is none wiser than dear edith...btw, how are the wristbands coming along? my credit card is at-the-ready

6:35 AM

 
Anonymous Laura said...

Dear Edith,
If only I could find a bowl like the one you used to shape your haircut! Stainless steel, tupperware or melamine? Spill, please.
Signed,
Clueless in Bowling Green

7:01 AM

 
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Dear Edith,

You definitely have a gift with words and thoughts! I love what you have to say.

I will confess, however, that I spray my dog with Jicky!!

7:21 AM

 
Anonymous janey said...

This is so funny and original (you write so well). Now you do know your not really Ms Edith? This is not a 3 faces of Edith thing is it? And I do think Edith deserves her own blog. Imagine the fan reaction.

7:46 AM

 
Blogger katiedid said...

Yay! Another!

I believe you need to seriously consider patenting the word "metrocanine" Ms. Head.

9:05 AM

 
Blogger NowSmellThis said...

Ms. Head, You are hysterically funny.

11:28 AM

 
Blogger Jonniker said...

Oh Christ, I love it. And I would love it even more if Dooce were actually as you describe. I share her propensity for ALL CAPS, by the way. I always have. I can't even make fun of it, alas, since I do it myself SO FREAKING OFTEN.

1:33 PM

 
Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Thank you so much, Dear E., for taking the time to give me advice. Such sage advice it is.

5:51 PM

 
Anonymous neko said...

Now that Edith is a regular insitution of this blog will there be a particualr location for the worried and troubled reader to deposit his/her questions?

7:53 PM

 
Blogger mireille said...

Neko, you're right. Need to think about how to do that.

8:59 PM

 
Blogger katiedid said...

An "ASK EDITH" blog! Oh yes, oh yes! Pretty please?

8:45 AM

 

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