Dog Menopause

I'm pretty sure Bucky has entered menopause. Yes, I know he's an 110 lb. eight year-old neutered male Groenendahl shepherd/Labrador retriever mix. I don't care. He's got at least six of the symptoms.

1) Major irritability. I had the temerity to place a 24-pack of coke down on the kitchen floor near where he was having his mid-afternoon nap. First one eye opens, balefully regarding me tearing the top off the coke box ... then, in a huff, he pulls his big body off the floor in a flounce and moves rapidly to nose open the backdoor, whereupon he exits. Um, sorry I woke you up, big guy.

2) Hot flashes and night sweats. He starts out sleeping on the floor beside my side of the bed, under the window, but before long the panting starts. He moves to the opposite side of the bed. Then the panting starts. He moves himself out to the tiled kitchen floor where it's cooler. Peace at last.

3) Revived interest in the opposite sex. Or the same sex, he doesn't care. But prone to making unfortunate choices. (Ok, I read about this symptom in a book.) I think the little vignettes Jim brings home from the dogpark say it all. An example: J. comes in, tosses down the leash and says, "Well, it wasn't too bad this time." "Too bad?" "He only humped one little pug. Who collapsed under his weight."

4) Requires massive reassurance about attractiveness. I mean, in addition to the dogs at the dogpark, he wants US to tell him what a hunk he is. Also that his butt is not too big.

5) Lack of interest in family activities. Apathy. Simply, we bore him. Unless we have salmon. (This is different with women. With women, interest can be stimulated by waving a credit card in front of them. With men, as Laura noted, you must take them to a sales lot featuring Corvette convertibles.)

6) Malevolence. Often sits there, looking into space with vacantly murderous look on face. Like he wants something to kill, but is unsure of specific target.

Come on, look at this list and tell me it's not menopause.

Today's fragrance: beginning with the faint, faint honey, rose and clove of Perlier the Musk ... later: Clearing's Rose Chypres!