How Far Do We Travel From Where We Start?
"Voici mon secret. Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux." "Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is with the heart that one can see most rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
In an earlier blog post, I talked about this writing as means to reach an authentic voice, something I feel I lost in many years of writing commercial copy.
But last night, as I lie in bed, I thought about how hard it is to live real, not just write real -- how hard it is to get free of the layers of fake you create as part of your everyday life.
Early in life, we decide upon a persona and set about generating a life that aligns with who we see ourselves as being.
In my case, I built upon differentness. And this quirkiness, this iconoclastic "I'm really not like anyone else and therefore most societal rules don't apply to me" ethos worked for me right up until it didn't.
Something happens in your life to shake your sense of who you are, the mask you've generated, and -- at least in my case -- I was forced to confront the truth of my commonness.
I am more like you than I want to admit.
I want what most humans want: love, security, connection. I am not capable of being alone, freestanding, unencumbered.
I must take responsibility for my humanity, the fact that I owe others the love, loyalty and compassion they've shown me. I have to return to the heart, return the heart.
I don't think I was very real to begin with. I started early to build defenses, the walls that insulate one from listening to, and following, the heart. It seems that rather than traveling back to realness, I have to learn what real is.
And it's a constant process. To be quiet and listen for what is real. And then live within it.
Today's fragrance: Serge Lutens Chergui. Honeyed incensey tobacco-ey richness. And I've been promised rose and sandalwood in this ... let's see if they show up. (Even if they don't, I love the way this smells on me.)
Many thanks to mysteryfemme for the quote.
posted by mireille at 9:03 AM
3 Comments:
Well, having just immersed myself into the visual magic of Fellini, I am not so certain I can agree that the unseen is what is significant, at least from his lenses. However, I do understand exactly what you say, and think you have put it beautifully, in words and images.
10:45 AM
Eloquent. I think my problem was the opposite---I had no persona, no social skin to protect me when I was a child and young person. Ouch. My emotional nature has kept me pretty much in touch with what is real to me--except when it hasn't ( to borrow your logic and phrase.) So yes, to balance it all, to stay protected AND authentic. What a trip, huh? ( don't mean acid, either--better to use the word 'journey,' ;D)
12:35 PM
"And this quirkiness, this iconoclastic... ethos worked for me right up until it didn't."
Love this. LOVE THIS. I adopted the "INTP Prayer" for similar reasons; not all of it, but some of my independent nature was challenged when love, security and connection came into my life by way of Jef. He recognized the mechanics of my behavior, having traveled a similar road, so he was able to nail a lot of its sources without driving me away.
But M, stop being so hard on yourself. "I have to return to the heart, return the heart." You've been topping off mine for weeks now :-) You're authentic enough for me. I love your voice, and I apologize for having denied myself the pleasure of your blog during that recent bout of navel-contemplation. Odd emotional weather pattern, that--a stationary jealousy front :>
8:27 AM
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