Do You Know the Warning Signs?

This is not the post you were meant to get today. You were meant to get something edifying, literary, arty. Instead you are going to get the top ten warning signs for PMS. And you are going to like it.

Warning Sign

#10. Wake up with low back pain and a terrible feeling of foreboding. Spend some time lying in bed thinking about everybody who ever did you wrong, plans to do you wrong or is currently doing you wrong. Think of ways to slowly dismember them.

#9. Snarl at the dog on your way to the bathroom. He will look up surprised and slink away.

#8. Announce to Jim that you have PMS. Get patted on head and fight urge to bite him.

#7. Sit at computer and open email. Note that no one except various companies selling stuff has written. Note that no one loves you, no one ever has and no one ever will.

#6. Start reading other peoples' blogs. Acknowledge that they are all funny, intelligent and/or have great photos. Hate each and every one of them for their talent.

#5. Out of corner of eye, watch interview with Goldie Hawn. Memo to self: get bangs trimmed. And trout lips are not a good look.

#4. Vaguely rub foot on back of leg, noting that personal grooming, i.e. leg shaving, is lagging behind. You are a terrible, terrible person for this lapse. And you need a pedicure. And a manicure. And waxing, yes waxing. You need waxing. And you need to lose 100 lbs. By next week.

#3. Stick nose down front of nightgown to see if last night's perfume lasted. OF COURSE IT DIDN'T. Nothing ever lasts. Think dark existential thoughts about the fleeting quality of perfume.

#2. Watch cooking show segment out of corner of eye, note how corpse-like raw chicken is. Think about career change to Crime Scene Investigation. Think how you could learn to get away with your own crimes. Make note to investigate.

#1. Indulge in favorite PMS pastime: planning your own funeral. Think of guest list, with special attention to pallbearers. Make note to leave a list of flowers so you get what you want. Sketch out eulogy so you get what you want. Debate pros and cons of open casket. Leave list of makeup to be used so you look natural (all Chanel).

Derive great satisfaction as you realize how much they're all going to miss you when you're gone.