my occasional musings on life, love, art, perfume ... what else is there?

5.05.2005

Do You Know the Warning Signs?


This is not the post you were meant to get today. You were meant to get something edifying, literary, arty. Instead you are going to get the top ten warning signs for PMS. And you are going to like it.

Warning Sign

#10. Wake up with low back pain and a terrible feeling of foreboding. Spend some time lying in bed thinking about everybody who ever did you wrong, plans to do you wrong or is currently doing you wrong. Think of ways to slowly dismember them.

#9. Snarl at the dog on your way to the bathroom. He will look up surprised and slink away.

#8. Announce to Jim that you have PMS. Get patted on head and fight urge to bite him.

#7. Sit at computer and open email. Note that no one except various companies selling stuff has written. Note that no one loves you, no one ever has and no one ever will.

#6. Start reading other peoples' blogs. Acknowledge that they are all funny, intelligent and/or have great photos. Hate each and every one of them for their talent.

#5. Out of corner of eye, watch interview with Goldie Hawn. Memo to self: get bangs trimmed. And trout lips are not a good look.

#4. Vaguely rub foot on back of leg, noting that personal grooming, i.e. leg shaving, is lagging behind. You are a terrible, terrible person for this lapse. And you need a pedicure. And a manicure. And waxing, yes waxing. You need waxing. And you need to lose 100 lbs. By next week.

#3. Stick nose down front of nightgown to see if last night's perfume lasted. OF COURSE IT DIDN'T. Nothing ever lasts. Think dark existential thoughts about the fleeting quality of perfume.

#2. Watch cooking show segment out of corner of eye, note how corpse-like raw chicken is. Think about career change to Crime Scene Investigation. Think how you could learn to get away with your own crimes. Make note to investigate.

#1. Indulge in favorite PMS pastime: planning your own funeral. Think of guest list, with special attention to pallbearers. Make note to leave a list of flowers so you get what you want. Sketch out eulogy so you get what you want. Debate pros and cons of open casket. Leave list of makeup to be used so you look natural (all Chanel).

Derive great satisfaction as you realize how much they're all going to miss you when you're gone.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Laughing uproariously!!! But sobbing. I will miss you so much when you are dead, M. So so SO much. Please hang on a bit longer without biting anyone today and know that in as little as 24 hours you will be glad to be alive again....ok , I know that could take 4 days, but it's all one big stream of consciousness. Go with the flow baby. Bring on the flow ... Eat actual real food and refrain from Botox injections, And I love you. I will send you a real email.

~clearing

10:23 AM

 
Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Laughing so hard! Can you do one for the 10 signs of menopause next, please or please, or please...

12:01 PM

 
Blogger Jonniker said...

OMG, dude, you described me not two days ago, when I commenced screaming - yes, screaming - at Adam because he was fast-forwarding through the commercials too slowly on the TiVo. Apparently, he has a slower trigger-finger than I need during PMS.

Seriously, M, this had me laughing so hard. So identifiable.

2:19 PM

 
Blogger NowSmellThis said...

10. I have not done you wrong. Don't plan to, and if I do, will leave town.

9. No comment. I don't have a dog.

8. Don't you hate that?

7. Yep. Know the feeling.

6. Yep. Know the feeling.

5. Her lips look amazingly bad. Do you think she knows?

4. I have NEVER had a manicure, pedicure, or been waxed. I must be an even more terrible person than you.

3. If it lasted, you'd have to shower every time you changed your mind about what to wear. I like it to fade after 3-4 hours, as that is the extent of my attention span.

2. Chicken really is gross.

1. You know, I have never done that. Will make a note to try it out sometime.

5:18 PM

 
Blogger ParisLondres said...

LOL! As usual Ms M you make me smile - no laugh out loud. I can relate with the exception of snarling at the dog but guess my poor hubby is the main victim - he tries to tolerate me all round the year....

xoxo

3:39 AM

 
Blogger Annieytown said...

You are my PMS twin!
The only difference is I snarl at my kitties and have no SO to pat my head. I also plot downfalls,try to figure out how to get away with crimes,and wonder what happened to Goldie Hawns face.

6:04 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Plan your own funeral as favorite PMS pasttime? That has *never* occurred to me. I'm going to save that up for my next bout of PMS, which will be in roughly...21 days, 17 hours and eight minutes.

mahgwet
seven minutes now.

8:47 AM

 
Blogger Atreau said...

You are hilarious! Even on my best PMS days I can't get through them without crying!

5:43 AM

 

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