Of Two Minds

Between reading reviews of vodka, searching for the perfect martini ingredient ... desultorily sniffing perfume samples ... meticulously counting calories of everything I put in my mouth ... searching for the best broiled sole recipe ... and studiously avoiding sending out resumes, which was what I was supposed to be doing ... I noticed I haven't been able to write.

I mean, I'm still thinking. It just isn't ringing with clarity and it doesn't come out as written sentences.

What I have been observing is that I am of two minds about almost everything. I am in this strange place where I can see two sides of everything. How many of us have trouble justifying dual natures -- of ourselves, and everything surrounding us?

It is far easier to be philosophically clear about what is right, to dogmatically know that yours is the Way and the Light. It is much easier to defend the "right" side.

But I see no "right" side now.

Why is it that we could go grocery shopping this morning in a pristine, airconditioned store that features incredible selection of beautiful food -- we purchased what we wanted, and came home to a peaceful, intact neighborhood where the loudest noise is the neighbors' unfortunate taste in technopop.

I lavishly used running water to rinse the chard we're having for dinner ... if I flip a switch, the lights come on, the broiler will heat, my computer will boot up.

Why are we given so much? Look at how they're living in Iraq, in Israel and Lebanon right now.

The wars make me wake up and fall asleep wondering why our country, to date, hasn't suffered the way the mideast is currently suffering. I have this awful feeling of waiting for another shoe to drop, for us to be made to pay the toll for the incredible amount of hatred directed toward us from so many points on the globe. Some of it we've earned. A lot of it we haven't. But it won't matter when the bomb explodes.

It didn't matter a week ago when a deranged individual forced his way into the Seattle Jewish Federation, shot and killed one woman, and wounded five more.

The Blue Angels are in Seattle this week for SeaFair, and they held practice flights over our neighborhood. It is too easy, and terrifying, to imagine those FA/18 Hornet jets doing the jobs they were intended to do, rather than making PR runs overhead, on behalf of an affluent American city's summer festival.

I am of one mind as I pray to God that I'm never underneath jets like that when they're carrying bombs intended for my homeland, my home, to destroy my life.

But don't you think the Iraqis, the Israelis and the Lebanese prayed the same thing?